ONLY GOD KNOWS


friday night a fm radio dj played his favorite songs of
1966 including " god only knows " by the beach boys

"....if you should ever leave me
life would go on believe me

the world could show nothing to me
so what good would living do me...."

we met, i came into some money, and we decided to
run away. the rent for a room in the rear of the house
was fifty dollars. i paid four months in advance.
the room was ugly with peeling walnut green paint
had cracks in the ceiling and was unheated. but it was
also beautiful with a thick carpet, wooden windows
that opened inward and a door that opened onto
a brilliant green and overgrown rear yard

often we would spend the whole day in our room
sitting against a wall bundled in a pile of quilts
and blankets, door and windows open and daylight
streaming in. she and i would be completely stoned
out of our minds looking out at a profusion of uncut
grass, weeds and a parade of red ladybugs green aphids
golden butterflies and other flyings insects

its times like those i sometimes recall years decades and
lifetimes after their occurence. when i find myself amid
overgrown grass or in the warmth of the sun a memory
or two will overcome me. i can again feel her soft body
against mine and hear these comforting words

"....i may not always love you
but as long as there's stars above you

you never need to doubt it
i'll make you so sure about it

god only knows what i'd be without you "

SCOTTY


in a recent conversation i learned that AA meetings
begin with each attendee stating his or her name and
that he or she is an addict. well, my name is scotty
and i am a very bad man

my descent began with a response to a personals ad.
there was no picture, i just picked her profile at random.
after a few of back and forth emails i sent my number and
she called late the next night to my pleasant suprise

i am 55 and she's 21. what have i got to lose ?
immediately i told her i wanted to be her lover
she replied with laughter which meant " full speed
ahead daddy-o !" so ahead i sped and she came
for a visit saturday

not knowing what she looked like gave waiting for her
a feeling of great anticipation. when she pulled up in a
newish white honda i could not believe my eyes.
she was all that and more with green eyes a goofy
kind of smile and completely free of attitude

i wish i could say we simply enjoyed lemonade
cookies and a nice conversation. i really wish i could.
we were sitting on my bed listening to THE SPINNERS
album MIGHTY LOVE. i got up to flip the record
over and with shocked naivety she said, " you have
to turn a record over ?" further self control was futile

my name is scotty and i am a very bad man